durr...

so how slow was traffic on my way home yesterday evening?

i was able to eat my big mac meal while driving home.

and putting ketchup on my fries.

i have no idea what drove me to write this right now, but i guess this is as good a time as any to remind you that i really believe that almost 6 and a half years ago, i felt that i could love a certain girl enough to be my girlfriend, a steady partner, someone who i could share my fears, joys, and most everything in between with.

after 9 months of trying to convince her that i was worth being the same to her, she took her chances with me. i did not realize the consequences of her decision then- that she was scorned by her parents, mocked by her peers, and rejected by one of her other close friends. i have since then realized that, and for that i will be eternally grateful.

just over 5 and a half years after that decision, i want you to know that i still believe my decision was right- that i could love this girl enough to be my partner. in fact, i'm so convinced with my decision that i already am thinking about the future with her- which means it's not just my future, nor hers, but ours.

what further strengthens my convictions are the things she and i have been together- she loved me despite my junkyard car, my overly zealous hormonal advances, my crooked teeth, and some other faults that she still tries to make me change- so that i can be a better man- and some which she accepts- and still loves me despite them. she knows that learning to figure out the difference between what to change and what not to will be hard, but the fact that she is willing to is testament enough to both her devotion and to my notion that maybe i have given back something in return- enough that she still wants to be with me.

because i, for one, am sure that i want to be with her. after the good and bad that she i have been through, at the end of the day, everyday, it's of her face that i dream of. it's she who i've turned to when i had no one else to, and she knows that there are so many things i need and feel i need that only she can give. she has me by a string, yet she comes to my side to hold me and to let me hold her in return.

and i have nothing else to tell her, but thank you. and i love you.

now if you look at the top of this page, you'll find a blogspot ad banner. in it, you'll find Related Searches, which is apparently topics that blogspot deems closely related to the subject matter in your blog. checking mine out, i found:

john mayer . john mayer tabs

which is no skin off my chest, really, since i don't find john mayer's music all that bad. in fact, i do like the last song off his heavier things album. definitely a late-night driving song. so, i got to checking around other people's blogs (apparently us of the fraternity that utilize blogspot's free service.) and here are some of the 'Related Searches' i found...

alcoholic drinks . alcoholic beverages

raven symone . buffy spoilers

usga . mike weir

astrology . pisces

star wars . galaxies

espn sports . easter dates

binge drinking . blonde jokes

superheroes . wong kar wai

jesus christ . manila

diamond engagement rings . philippine airlines

how the heck can these pairs be related to each other?

never underestimate the mind of a blogger.

'by the way, i have a confession to make...i have this letter you wrote me back in high school...it's just a short note...i keep it in my wallet still and read it everytime i need to have some sense back in my life... thanks for that...'

okay, this is creeping me out. why? well, read my October 23 musing on random musings (which for some strange reason, i can't link to).

that's why. because, unfortunately, i've been handed a platter of further evidence that yes, there are things written by people that apparently weave a common thread through others' lives.

and when the person in quote is one of the people i've mentioned here, then it earns a lot more weight to me- because i may have left something with her more meaningful than i ever could have had we ended up the way i once wanted us to.

this is a product of my weekend jaunt. as i threw things out of my drawer that weekend, i found not just notes from relationships long forgotten, but also notes from old friends dear- those who i felt i could still connect to, in a way, despite the change, simply because my relationships with them have seen through other changes in the past. so that's what i decided to do- to try to connect once again with them, in spite (or because) of what has gone by in the time that we've grown apart.

so that's what i get. well, i asked for it.

another friend to whom i sent a 'how ya doin'?' e-mail sent me something just as precious- a beautiful short story, which she said needed some polishing, but had me hooked from the first paragraph until the last sentence. she wrote in the 'full circle' style (for ignorance of the proper term) where you go back to the opening theme at the story's conclusion. but that's not to say it's formulaic; in fact, her main protagonist dies somewhere in the middle, only to be picked up by a person who carries the story to its honor-invoking end.

and she, too, admitted that maybe things weren't the same anymore, but that we still must get together and chat sometime.

i wasn't expecting a revelatory admission and a short story as responses to my messages to them. granted, i was half-hoping for a reply, but i think that was more than i bargained for. but i'm not complaining. as i read their messages, i was happy knowing that having grown apart hasn't dimmed much of the way we see our relationships. i don't really know, but based on their responses, i'm thinking that they made a big thing out of my e-mailing them. and when they responded enthusiastically, it likely didn't occur to them how much their responses would mean to me. (i mean, i've made it such a big deal myself that i'm writing about it in my blog- how about that.)

funny, but it seems to me that this just goes in circles- that we feel whatever we give away is but a small price for the things we get back.

i threw away my past during the weekend

coming home from school everyday in my late primary-secondary education years, i'd inevitably find at least two notes that were passed between me and another person (or groups of people), apparently. i'd maybe go through these notes one more time, then stuff them into a drawer and forget about them. however, this drawer came to be the repository of not just these notes, but full-page letters, cards, and other things that i'd liken to 'emotional money'- because they seem to mean a lot more than the paper they're written on.

anyway, i was facing papers collected through the course of nine years when i finally decided (with persistent prodding from my mom) to clean that drawer out. and poring through them, i unearthed snapshots of lives that i was in constant touch with; people who shared joys, dreams, fears, (insert another tired cliche that people could share through writings here), and what-not. dozens of "we're just friends", "just wanted to say hi"s, and tons more "thank you"s scrawled on notebook paper, yellow pad, and the ubiquitous brown recycled paper poured out, passing through my eyes again after years of being kept, forgotten in the minds of those who wrote and those for whom they were written.

and it may have been the last i'd see or remember of many of those events. i needed to clean the drawer out, granted, but maybe it was also time to get rid of those remnants of the past and move along. because regardless of whether the adage about people changing is true or not, the truth is that relationships do. friends become better friends, who become lovers, who become friends again, who become enemies, (and all other various combinations (as opposed to permutations... okay, i digress!) and all too many of these relationships have long gone by, not by anything other than natural progression of time; whether it can be helped or not really doesn't count, sad to say.

so i've thrown away some links to the past, the ties that bind that may already be too frayed for holding on to- the emotional money i had so easily collected, and just as easily used up, hoping that i can rely on how well my mind serves me.

and let memories be all that's saved.

exactly 30 days til armageddon

questionnaires

it was always a favorite recurring game among email groups to have a set of 20 or so questions of personal items that the sender answers, sends to all his/ her friends, then asks that the friends respond and pass the questions along, so on and so on.

this has apparently become the most important purpose for the friendster bulletin board... (aside from spreading that bulletin about ' if you don't post this in your own bulletin board, your profile will be deleted...' , just to find out how many of your friends are gullible suckers!)

among the questions you're likely to see are:

do you smoke/ drink/ hash/ bang/ all other 'activities that might make you seem dirtier and cooler than you actually look'?- and all other variations.

what are you wearing/ not wearing/ right now? (as if thoughts of your friends in various states of dress or undress is intriguing, and, in the first place, relevant)

are you hoping that he/ she will still wants you back? (oh boy, i won't even START on this one!)


... and so forth. now, i was thinking, 'if i made one of these things, what 20 or so questions would I ask?'...

and so goes the rest.


if you could play one wind instrument, which would it be?

for the rest of your life: rice or bread?

what would be your governing logic in 'cutting in' a line?

john mayer or jason mraz?

do people who drive slower than you irritate you?

do you consider people who drive faster than you maniacs?

are you willing to admit to a friend (other than your boyfriend/ girlfriend) that you have thought of them sexually? (don't be a hypocrite!)

would you rather learn an ordinary but ancient prayer of a religion that isn't yours, or a profound but modern prayer of your own?

why would you (or not) ask directions if you're lost?

tim burton or quentin tarantino?

pick one among the 5 Planeteers (uh-oh, my age is showing)

in a situation where you 'find' someone when you're already 'attached', whose life is most wronged?

what's something that you once really liked (or, heck, still do) that is now considered revoltingly cheesy?

do you think it's wrong to say, 'thanks' when you're offered condolences?

"And I should've known it would come to an end cause we became lovers before we were friends"- agree?

in the vein of 'ocean's twelve', 'analyze that', and 'the whole ten yards', what quirky title would you give a movie sequel?

would you rather be able to relate to people 3-5 years your junior, or 3-5 your senior?

...well, this is what i've thought of for now, and if you've come across this blog, maybe you could come up with some of your own.

and when you're done, you know where to post it.