Thursday, November 26, 2009
the one about how things will never be the same again.
i'd give you a rundown, but instead, i'll just invite you to read the previous three posts. they look long, but they read short. really.
i had resolved to not make contact with her for the remaining week before she left for her out-of-country work assignment. after our 4 weeks of her healthy ignoring of me, followed by a week of trying to get things right again, only to have one more night of confusion, it had tired me out, and i was assuming it was the same for her. here i was, insisting to see her, when she obviously didn't want to anymore.
but, stupid that i am, i sent her one last SMS. a polite, generic one, just wishing her the best, and hoping that she do well and to take care of herself while she was away. and by that time, i wasn't remotely considering she'd reply. i had been ignored once too many times, and probably all the more so knowing she was preparing for so many things the night before she was leaving. so i sent the message, with a unnormal detachment. the giddy tugging of emotions you feel when you send a message and eagerly anticipate its reply was already gone. and so i curled myself into bed and
'beeeep!'
uh-oh.
and so i read her message.
'i know i have so many things to explain to you about what happened to us. i will, if you're still there when i get back... remember the day i told that i love you, i mean it, up until now, and always. take care.'
and then i fell asleep.
it was the day after when i was really bummed out, trying to make sense of what she wrote. the hell?! after ignoring me for weeks? if i hadn't even texted some crappy generic message, would she have even told me so?
and clarity came to me when i told one of my closest friends about it. and what was explained to me was something that i knew was a possibility, but refused to accept: that all this time, through all the calls she didn't pick up, all the SMS messages she didn't answer, she decided to do it because, that way, it'd be easier on her emotions to leave. that, because she needed to go, she didn't want the weight of leaving something behind. she likely gave in when i sent her the CD (and yes, the cookies), gave us a week to talk, then decided to be hard-hearted again when i asked her out one last time. she hadn't counted on the cabasa, i'm sure, and maybe she was trying to reach out or tell me something that last time she called. but i also hadn't counted on being so numb by then, so frustrated at the confusion caused by our own doing.
the week after she had left, i made a promise to myself to decide whether to 'still be there' when she got back. i did not want her to be somewhere far away, thinking about how best to explain what had happened, only to come back to someone who wouldn't be around to listen. and i did not want her to be anxious about whether i would still be there- i wanted her to be secure in knowing that there will be someone to come back to, someone who will wait patiently for what she has to say, and then maybe re-start to move on together. either way, i had to let her know.
so two weeks ago, i decided, and sent her an email. and i told her to not worry; that she doesn't have to explain. i doubt she's seen it yet, and if she has, i also doubt that she'd reply.
half a year is a long way to go, and i know i have to (and will) hold fast to my decision; i cannot stand to put her and myself through more frustration if i renege on the path i've taken- that path separates us from each other.
i figure that i needed to write this all down, to make sure i never forget and make the same mistake again. or maybe i wrote it down to get this out of my system and find clarity, because i never did find it with her. you may come to think, though, that she may not have found it herself. but i'm not worried. from the short time we spent together, i know that while i may have been important to her, she has so many things on her plate, that i'm certain that she will have her peace when it comes to what happened to us. she may already have it now. but i'll never know.
and so my story ends the same way whatever we had ended- with stilted communication, awkward words, and an abrupt ending.
i'd give you a rundown, but instead, i'll just invite you to read the previous three posts. they look long, but they read short. really.
i had resolved to not make contact with her for the remaining week before she left for her out-of-country work assignment. after our 4 weeks of her healthy ignoring of me, followed by a week of trying to get things right again, only to have one more night of confusion, it had tired me out, and i was assuming it was the same for her. here i was, insisting to see her, when she obviously didn't want to anymore.
but, stupid that i am, i sent her one last SMS. a polite, generic one, just wishing her the best, and hoping that she do well and to take care of herself while she was away. and by that time, i wasn't remotely considering she'd reply. i had been ignored once too many times, and probably all the more so knowing she was preparing for so many things the night before she was leaving. so i sent the message, with a unnormal detachment. the giddy tugging of emotions you feel when you send a message and eagerly anticipate its reply was already gone. and so i curled myself into bed and
'beeeep!'
uh-oh.
and so i read her message.
'i know i have so many things to explain to you about what happened to us. i will, if you're still there when i get back... remember the day i told that i love you, i mean it, up until now, and always. take care.'
and then i fell asleep.
it was the day after when i was really bummed out, trying to make sense of what she wrote. the hell?! after ignoring me for weeks? if i hadn't even texted some crappy generic message, would she have even told me so?
and clarity came to me when i told one of my closest friends about it. and what was explained to me was something that i knew was a possibility, but refused to accept: that all this time, through all the calls she didn't pick up, all the SMS messages she didn't answer, she decided to do it because, that way, it'd be easier on her emotions to leave. that, because she needed to go, she didn't want the weight of leaving something behind. she likely gave in when i sent her the CD (and yes, the cookies), gave us a week to talk, then decided to be hard-hearted again when i asked her out one last time. she hadn't counted on the cabasa, i'm sure, and maybe she was trying to reach out or tell me something that last time she called. but i also hadn't counted on being so numb by then, so frustrated at the confusion caused by our own doing.
the week after she had left, i made a promise to myself to decide whether to 'still be there' when she got back. i did not want her to be somewhere far away, thinking about how best to explain what had happened, only to come back to someone who wouldn't be around to listen. and i did not want her to be anxious about whether i would still be there- i wanted her to be secure in knowing that there will be someone to come back to, someone who will wait patiently for what she has to say, and then maybe re-start to move on together. either way, i had to let her know.
so two weeks ago, i decided, and sent her an email. and i told her to not worry; that she doesn't have to explain. i doubt she's seen it yet, and if she has, i also doubt that she'd reply.
half a year is a long way to go, and i know i have to (and will) hold fast to my decision; i cannot stand to put her and myself through more frustration if i renege on the path i've taken- that path separates us from each other.
i figure that i needed to write this all down, to make sure i never forget and make the same mistake again. or maybe i wrote it down to get this out of my system and find clarity, because i never did find it with her. you may come to think, though, that she may not have found it herself. but i'm not worried. from the short time we spent together, i know that while i may have been important to her, she has so many things on her plate, that i'm certain that she will have her peace when it comes to what happened to us. she may already have it now. but i'll never know.
and so my story ends the same way whatever we had ended- with stilted communication, awkward words, and an abrupt ending.
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